Shallow Dance

by Matty Sullivan

When you're done looking around the website, please visit my Patreon page to learn how you can lend a little support to my work. It's easy and it's inexpensive. In fact, you can help keep the motor running for no more than a few measly bucks--kinda like buying me a drink at the bar. Which, by the way, is my favorite way of saying thanks.

But if you never seem to catch me at the bar, you can do this instead.

Check it out.

www.patreon.com/mattysullivan

In the meantime, enjoy yourself. And drop me a line when you get a chance.

Filtering by Tag: cats

Stupid Ol' Fluffy

Ring, ring.

“Hello?

“Hey, guess what?”

“Huh?”

“I said, guess what?”

“No.”

“Okay, then. I’ll tell you. Guess what?”

“What?”

“My cat just died.”

“No shit? Fluffy?”

“Yep. She just died.”

“Did you say ‘she’? I thought Fluffy was a boy cat.”

“Me too. But then he died and I performed an autopsy and it turns out I was wrong. He’s a girl.”

“Really? You had to perform an autopsy to find out he was a girl?”

“No, but I was doing an autopsy to determine the cause of death. And while I had his legs open I saw he didn’t have any balls. Boys have balls, you know.”

“Yes, I know. Are you sure he didn’t have any balls?”

“Yes. I checked.”

“Maybe he chewed them off.”

“Nope. He didn’t have any balls because he was a girl. Plus, he had a vagina.”

“Fluffy had a vagina? Are you sure?”

“Yep. I stuck my finger in it.”

“That’s gross.”

“I know.”

“How did you get your big old finger into a cat’s vagina? Was it your pinkie?”

“Hell, no. Middle finger, all the way to the knuckle.”

“Jesus!”

“I know. Pretty big, huh? For a cat, that is.”

“Yeah.”

“Pretty small for a human.”

“That’s not what your mom said.”

“What?”

“Last night.”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know. Sorry. So what did she die of?”

“Who, my mom?”

“No. Fluffy.”

“Oh, right. Turn out some asshole cut her open.”

“No shit?”

“No. Just kidding.”

“Oh. Ha ha!”

“Sorry. Turns out Fluffy died of old age.”

“Old age? How could you tell that?”

“All her hair was white.”

“Oh.”

“Plus, there was an expiration sticker on her stomach with today’s date on it.”

“Really?”

“No. That was another joke.”

“Oh. Ha ha!”

“The truth is, I know she died of old age because she choked to death on Jello.”

“What the fuck?”

“I know. Stupid Fluffy.”

“Yep.”

“Stupid old Fluffy.”

“Yep. So what did you do with his body?”

“Her body.”

“Right. Her body.”

“Well, that’s why I called you. I couldn’t figure out what to do with her. I can’t bury her in the yard because you need a permit for that. I can’t fit her in the garbage disposal. I tried to flush her down the toilet, but all she did was back the thing up.”

“Ugh.”

“Yeah, I know. I had just taken a dump, too. So imagine the mess I’ve had to deal with.”

“Bummer.”

“Tell me about it.”

“So what are you going to do with her?”

“Well, I finally figured it out.”

“Yeah?”

“What to do with her.”

“Yeah?”

“Meatloaf.”